If you thought I was done and there were simply no more bad Christmas movies for me to roast like chestnuts on an open fire, guess again.
Pour yourself a large glass of eggnog and get ready, because Isa国际传媒檓 about to review 10 more terrible Christmas movies that you can torture your family with this holiday season, and theresa国际传媒檚 some real lumps of coal on this yearsa国际传媒檚 list.
10. Christmas Bloody Christmas (2022)
I always try to include one Christmas-themed horror movie, and this yearsa国际传媒檚 pick is a dull and dreary slasher where a robot Santa goes haywire and starts killing everyone in sight. While the movie has a cool premise, it definitely took some eggnog to help me get through the first 30 minutes of nonstop pop culture references and f bombs before the action finally happens. The kills werensa国际传媒檛 impressive at all, and the film is so poorly lit that itsa国际传媒檚 hard to really see anything. The lead actress gave an admittedly good performance, but her presence isnsa国际传媒檛 enough to save Christmas Bloody Christmas from making the list this year.
9. Caspersa国际传媒檚 Haunted Christmas (2002)
I loved the original 1995 Casper movie when I was a kid, so I was kind of intrigued by this sequel when I stumbled upon a DVD copy of it at a thrift store. However, only when I put it on and started to watch it did I realize that it wasnsa国际传媒檛 a live-action movie. Instead, what I got was a cheaply made CGI blunderfest! Yes, the animation sucks, and the sa国际传媒渞omancesa国际传媒� where Casper falls for a real life girl is ridiculously presented. The only reason I made it to the end of this sa国际传媒渕oviesa国际传媒� was the eggnog kept refilling in my glass without me having to pour it. Thanks, Casper. Yousa国际传媒檙e a true friend.
8. Richie Richsa国际传媒檚 Christmas Wish (1998)
Okay, I actually enjoyed Richie Richsa国际传媒檚 Christmas Wish. Again, I was a big fan of the 1994 Richie Rich movie starring a young Macauley Culkin, so I had high hopes going into this one, and thanks to chugging some eggnog before the credits even rolled, I had a good time with it. After Richie Richsa国际传媒檚 evil cousin Reggie tries to murder him while hesa国际传媒檚 in the middle of delivering presents to an orphanage, Richie uses a wishing machine to wish that he was never born, sending him into an alternate reality where Reggie rules the city of Richville with an iron fist. The film has some fun and creative set pieces, and itsa国际传媒檚 fairly faithful to the Harvey Comics version of Richie Rich. With all that said, Isa国际传媒檓 not going to deny that itsa国际传媒檚 a bad Christmas movie, which is why it made the list this year.
7. Elf-Man (2012)
What do I even have to say about Elf-Mansa国际传媒� For starters, it features Jackass member Jason sa国际传媒淲ee Mansa国际传媒� Acuna as a bitter elf whosa国际传媒檚 forced by Santa to help fulfill a little girlsa国际传媒檚 Christmas wish to make her family happy again. The film is a boring mess, devoid of any real laughs, and after five minutes of watching it, I wanted to start injecting eggnog directly into my vein in order to help get me through it. On the plus side, it did feature one of my favourite actors of all time. Jeffrey Combs, of Reanimator fame, always makes for a fun and devious villain, but even he couldnsa国际传媒檛 save this one from stinking up the joint worse than the smell of a burnt turkey in your familysa国际传媒檚 oven. Avoid at all costs.
6. Yogisa国际传媒檚 First Christmas (1980)
I used to love watching Yogisa国际传媒檚 First Christmas when I was a little kid. I begged my parents every Christmas to get to watch it, and my mom always made sure I was allowed to rent the VHS tape from Vasosa国际传媒檚 Videos when the season finally arrived. I hadnsa国际传媒檛 seen it since I was maybe eight or nine-years-old, so this year I finally made the decision to put it on and see if my childhood memories still held up. Sadly, they didnsa国际传媒檛. While I was decently amused during the runtime, watching Yogi Bear and his friends try to stop Herman the hermit from ruining Christmas at the lodge just didnsa国际传媒檛 have that same Christmas magic anymore. Combined with a few glasses of eggnog, I did start to feel a little bit sentimental for my childhood though, which was a nice feeling this time of the year.
5. Christmas in Connecticut (1992)
Most people probably have no idea theresa国际传媒檚 a remake of the original 1945 Christmas in Connecticut. Even weirder than that, itsa国际传媒檚 directed by Arnold Schwarzenegger! I found a VHS tape of this movie while out thrifting in Port McNeill, and I knew it was going to the make the list before I put it on to watch. Arnold does a decent job as a director, but the script is an absolute mess. The jokes fall flat, the acting is weak, and the story about a cooking show host who cansa国际传媒檛 actually cook was tough to follow. Maybe I had too much eggnog, but I just found it really hard to sit through, so much so that I almost fell asleep.
4. Prancer: A Christmas Tale (2022)
Isa国际传媒檓 a huge fan of the original 1989 Prancer. When I heard there was a remake of it I really didnsa国际传媒檛 want to watch it, but because I write this list of bad Christmas movies every year, I forced myself to pour a big glass of eggnog, turn on Crave and start streaming. Itsa国际传媒檚 basically a reboot for the new generation, but it has none of the charm and Christmas spirit that the original still yields. Basically, a 10-year-old girl and her grumpy grandfather meet a mysterious animal who might be Santasa国际传媒檚 reindeer Prancer. I felt like I lost 105 minutes of my life after watching this, and I was so annoyed when it ended that I immediately put on the original and relived my childhood all over again, back when filmmaking still held some actual magic.
3. A Dennis The Menace Christmas (2007)
You cansa国际传媒檛 go wrong with Dennis the menace. Okay, maybe you can, but this follow up to the 1993 John Hughes classic was so bad it was actually hilarious. Theresa国际传媒檚 something about Dennis innocently terrorizing his neighbour Mr. Wilson that just appeals to me, and when you throw in Christmas, the eggnog quickly started flowing and I admittedly laughed the whole way through this cheaply made sequel. After Dennis causes $45,000 worth of damage to Mr. Wilsonsa国际传媒檚 house while trying to get him into the Christmas spirit, Mr. Wilson is visited by an angel who helps him decide to forgive Dennis. Mr. Wilson incredibly rips up the bill, because, well, itsa国际传媒檚 Christmas. Personally, if a little kid caused 45 grand worth of damage to my condo, hesa国际传媒檇 be paying me back until he was an old man, but hey, thatsa国际传媒檚 just me. I guess Mr. Wilson is a better man than I am.
2. 12 Dates of Christmas (2011)
I normally would have never watched this movie, but when I found out it had Zack Morris from Saved By The Bell in it, I had to give it a spin. Basically, Amy Smart stars as a young woman who has to re-live the same first date on Christmas Eve over and over again, until she ends up getting it right. Sadly, theresa国际传媒檚 no Zack Morris shenanigans in this, Mark-Paul Gosselaar plays a nice guy named Miles, and itsa国际传媒檚 actually Amy Smart who has to learn the errors of her ways. This is a bit of a ripoff of Bill Murraysa国际传媒檚 Groundhog Day set during Christmas, and itsa国际传媒檚 your basic rom-com thatsa国际传媒檚 a little too sweet and runs a little too long. The eggnog helped me get through it. Passable, but certainly not memorable.
1. Stealing Christmas (2003)
Tony Danza sa国际传媒渟tealssa国际传媒� the show here as a thief on the run whosa国际传媒檚 mistaken as a Santa for hire. Danza decides to continue to play along as Santa, while at the same time planning to rob a small townsa国际传媒檚 bank. I had an enjoyable time with this one, and it really gave me a boost in the Christmas spirit department when Danza finally learns the errors of his ways. I will say that the feel good ending is absolutely ridiculous. The plot just gets tied up way too neatly at the end, almost like a frilly bow on a Christmas present. Maybe that was the point though? Who knows. I only had to have one eggnog while watching it, so I suppose itsa国际传媒檚 got that going in its favour.
Tyson Whitney is an avid fan of cinema and the editor of the North Island Gazette newspaper in Port Hardy
